In the age of social media and modern dating , jealousy has taken a new form. If you are being fixated about your partner's past relationships or comparing yourself with his ex then you might be suffering from what experts call Rebecca Syndrome—a form of jealousy that's on the rise of late, among couples today.
What is Rebecca Syndrome ?
Also known as retroactive jealousy , Rebecca Syndrome is the burning feeling of jealousy about a partner's past, especially previous romantic and sexual relationships. Victims tend to compare themselves unfavorably with their lover's exes, thinking those former lovers are better-looking, smarter, or even more skillful in the bedroom.
Named after Daphne du Maurier's 1938 novel Rebecca, wherein the new wife becomes obsessed with her husband's late first wife, the syndrome, according to relationship experts, draws real-life consequences.
The root causes of Rebecca Syndrome
While Rebecca Syndrome might seem like a byproduct of modern dating, in most cases it's related deeper. In fact, according to the first coiner of the term, a British psychoanalyst, Dr. Darian Leader, it is connected to previous childhood experiences.
"While these early problems will be unique to each of us, they may, for example, relate to our having felt overlooked by a parent who preferred one of our siblings," he told Daily Mail.
Such unresolved childhood insecurities make people feel "excluded" or not important, and those feelings spill over into their present relationship. According to Dr. Leader, "We get so caught up in our projections that we don't even recognize the difference between our past and our present."
How to spot Rebecca Syndrome
If you have reason to believe that Rebecca Syndrome is affecting your relationship, then here are common warning signs. According to Dr. Goddard-Crawley, people become "obsessively preoccupied" with their partner's past relationships, hence susceptible to insecurity and constant comparisons to an ex.
There is also intrusive behavior, such as checking up on the contents of a partner's messages and trying to cut the latter off from friends due to jealousy. "The individual may entertain suspicions or paranoia about his/her partner's past, thinking that the ex-partner poses a threat to the relationship," Dr. Goddard-Crawley told Daily Mail.
The impact on your relationship
Rebecca Syndrome, at its worst, can destroy the little trust and intimacy a couple may have for one another. Uncontrolled jealousy may lead to controlling acts and even breakups in a relationship. A survey conducted in 2017 determined that "79% of men said they had experienced jealousy, whereas 66% of women said the same," and if it becomes obsessive, more often than not, is a source of emotional strain .
How to manage Rebecca Syndrome
Dr. Leader shared with Mail Today some advice on how to overcome Rebecca Syndrome: "Ask yourself whether your anxiety, your intrusive thoughts about feeling less important to your partner than their former partner, may really relate to your own past rather than it being anything to do with your current relationship." He also emphasizes that one should not read through old social media posts. "Don't ask about your partner's past, especially their sexual histories. Oversharing often comes back to haunt us," he advises.
Therapy and self-awareness can also be helpful for those who are struggling with retroactive jealousy. According to Dr. Goddard-Crawley, attachment problems need to be worked through, and trust needs to be established.
The takeaway
In other words, this is a serious matter that should be addressed upfront if your partner's past continues to dominate your thoughts and creates problems in your relationship. Healing of wounds caused by Rebecca Syndrome will depend on how you build trust, honest communication, or create empathy. Ultimately, if your partner cannot let go of your past, it may be a sign that your future is at risk.
It may be too early to realize that an issue exists, but a joint effort to work through it can be key to saving your relationship from the corrosive effects of jealousy.
What is Rebecca Syndrome ?
Also known as retroactive jealousy , Rebecca Syndrome is the burning feeling of jealousy about a partner's past, especially previous romantic and sexual relationships. Victims tend to compare themselves unfavorably with their lover's exes, thinking those former lovers are better-looking, smarter, or even more skillful in the bedroom.
Named after Daphne du Maurier's 1938 novel Rebecca, wherein the new wife becomes obsessed with her husband's late first wife, the syndrome, according to relationship experts, draws real-life consequences.
The root causes of Rebecca Syndrome
While Rebecca Syndrome might seem like a byproduct of modern dating, in most cases it's related deeper. In fact, according to the first coiner of the term, a British psychoanalyst, Dr. Darian Leader, it is connected to previous childhood experiences.
"While these early problems will be unique to each of us, they may, for example, relate to our having felt overlooked by a parent who preferred one of our siblings," he told Daily Mail.
Such unresolved childhood insecurities make people feel "excluded" or not important, and those feelings spill over into their present relationship. According to Dr. Leader, "We get so caught up in our projections that we don't even recognize the difference between our past and our present."
How to spot Rebecca Syndrome
If you have reason to believe that Rebecca Syndrome is affecting your relationship, then here are common warning signs. According to Dr. Goddard-Crawley, people become "obsessively preoccupied" with their partner's past relationships, hence susceptible to insecurity and constant comparisons to an ex.
There is also intrusive behavior, such as checking up on the contents of a partner's messages and trying to cut the latter off from friends due to jealousy. "The individual may entertain suspicions or paranoia about his/her partner's past, thinking that the ex-partner poses a threat to the relationship," Dr. Goddard-Crawley told Daily Mail.
The impact on your relationship
Rebecca Syndrome, at its worst, can destroy the little trust and intimacy a couple may have for one another. Uncontrolled jealousy may lead to controlling acts and even breakups in a relationship. A survey conducted in 2017 determined that "79% of men said they had experienced jealousy, whereas 66% of women said the same," and if it becomes obsessive, more often than not, is a source of emotional strain .
How to manage Rebecca Syndrome
Dr. Leader shared with Mail Today some advice on how to overcome Rebecca Syndrome: "Ask yourself whether your anxiety, your intrusive thoughts about feeling less important to your partner than their former partner, may really relate to your own past rather than it being anything to do with your current relationship." He also emphasizes that one should not read through old social media posts. "Don't ask about your partner's past, especially their sexual histories. Oversharing often comes back to haunt us," he advises.
Therapy and self-awareness can also be helpful for those who are struggling with retroactive jealousy. According to Dr. Goddard-Crawley, attachment problems need to be worked through, and trust needs to be established.
The takeaway
In other words, this is a serious matter that should be addressed upfront if your partner's past continues to dominate your thoughts and creates problems in your relationship. Healing of wounds caused by Rebecca Syndrome will depend on how you build trust, honest communication, or create empathy. Ultimately, if your partner cannot let go of your past, it may be a sign that your future is at risk.
It may be too early to realize that an issue exists, but a joint effort to work through it can be key to saving your relationship from the corrosive effects of jealousy.
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