Kindness vs people pleasing: How to tell them apart

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

Standing where we are today, there’s no better quote to cling to than this one.


Kindness, at its core, is a quality of being gentle, caring, and helpful, often involving actions that benefit others without the expectation of reward. It's being selfless, caring, compassionate, and unconditionally kind. Like love, it takes practice to understand and feel it. We share love with others through kind acts such as a smile, a nice word, an unexpected deed, or a planned surprise.

However, kindness isn’t to be confused with another quality – which is wildly popular in today’s world. It’s the quality of people-pleasing, which might seem harmless, but it can lead to serious health risks — both mental and physical — especially when taken to extremes.


Although sometimes it becomes a bit difficult to tell who is people-pleasing and who is simply being kind, there are some distinct differences between those qualities.


But how to differentiate between kindness and people-pleasing?


Read on and you’ll find out.


How do you define kindness?

Kindness is about treating others with respect, empathy, and consideration, even when they are different or facing difficulties. True kindness often stems from a genuine desire to improve the lives of others, not from a desire to appear virtuous or to gain something in return.


Here’s a deep dive:

Beyond being ‘nice’: Kindness is more than just being polite or doing favors. It involves a genuine concern for the well-being of others and a willingness to go the extra mile.

Acting from empathy: True kindness often comes from the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, leading to compassionate actions.

Unconditional and selfless: It's about giving without expectation, without ulterior motives, and judgment.

Challenging comfort zones: Sometimes, kindness means standing up for what's right, even if it's uncomfortable or unpopular.

Impact on self: Acts of kindness not only benefit others but also contribute to a sense of well-being and purpose in the giver.

In essence, true kindness is a deeply personal trait that expresses itself in a variety of ways, all stemming from a desire to make a positive difference in the lives of others.


What is people-pleasing?

Unlike kindness, ‘people-pleasing’ is a behavioral pattern where someone habitually prioritizes the needs and desires of others over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being. This can involve altering one's behaviors, words, and even personality to seek external validation and approval from others.


Here’s a detailed look:

Prioritizing others' needs: People pleasers consistently put others' needs before their own, even when it means sacrificing their own time, energy, or desires.

Seeking validation: They often have a strong desire for external approval and validation from others, which can lead them to alter their behavior to gain acceptance.

Difficulty saying "no": People pleasers often struggle to say "no" to requests, even if it means overcommitting or feeling overwhelmed.

Fear of rejection: They may be driven by a fear of rejection or disapproval, which can lead them to go to great lengths to please others.

Low self-esteem: People pleasers may struggle with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in their own abilities and worth.

Emotional depletion: The constant pressure to please others can lead to emotional exhaustion and a feeling of being drained.


Impact of kindness:

Kindness has a wide-ranging and positive impact on individuals, relationships, and communities. It can reduce stress, improve mental well-being, build stronger social connections, and even contribute to a more positive and supportive environment for everyone.


Impact on individuals: Kindness can boost feelings of well-being, reduce stress, and even alleviate symptoms of depression or anxiety. It can also counteract feelings of isolation and create a sense of belonging. Acts of kindness have been linked to increased happiness and self-esteem. In fact, some studies suggest that kindness may even have positive effects on physical health, such as lowering blood pressure. Kindness fosters a deeper understanding of others and strengthens our bond with them.

Impact on relationships and community: Kindness helps build and maintain social connections. Helping others can lead to new friendships and a stronger sense of community. Acts of kindness can increase trust and acceptance in relationships, can contribute to a more positive and happy community, and inspire others to repeat good deeds, creating a ripple effect of positivity. A kinder world is a more pleasant and supportive place for everyone.


Impact of people-pleasing:

People pleasing, while seemingly positive, can have significant negative impacts on an individual's well-being. These impacts can include low self-esteem, anxiety, burnout, resentment, difficulty asserting needs, and even a loss of identity.


Low self-esteem: People pleasers often base their self-worth on external validation, leading to insecurity and a lack of confidence.

Anxiety and stress: Constant efforts to please others can be draining and lead to chronic stress and anxiety, especially when boundaries are not established.

Burnout: Prioritizing others' needs over one's own can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout, particularly in demanding work or relationship environments.

Resentment: Over time, people pleasers may harbor resentment towards those they are constantly trying to please, as they may feel unappreciated or that their efforts are taken for granted.

Difficulty asserting needs: People pleasers often have difficulty saying "no" and can struggle to advocate for their own needs and boundaries.

Loss of identity: Constantly trying to please others can make it difficult to identify one's own values, beliefs, and desires, potentially leading to a loss of self.

Relationship problems: People pleasers may struggle with healthy relationships due to poor communication, difficulty setting boundaries, and a constant need for external validation.

Mental health issues: People pleasing can be linked to mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Difficulty with decision-making: People pleasers may have difficulty making independent decisions and may be more prone to relying on others' opinions.

Neglecting self-care: Prioritizing others' needs can lead to neglecting one's own self-care, potentially impacting physical and emotional well-being.


How to tell kindness and people-pleasing apart?

Kindness stems from a place of genuine care and a desire to help, while people-pleasing is driven by a need for external validation or acceptance. Kindness often feels effortless and joyful, while people-pleasing can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion.


Key differences:

Motivation: Kindness is motivated by a desire to do good and help others. People-pleasing is driven by a fear of rejection or a need for approval.

Internal feelings: Kindness typically brings a sense of happiness and connection, even when tired. People-pleasing can lead to feelings of resentment, overwhelm, or anger.

Boundaries: Kind people are comfortable setting boundaries and prioritizing their needs. People-pleasers struggle to say no and often prioritize others' needs at their own expense.

Self-expression: Kindness is a form of self-expression, allowing you to share your energy and care without expectations. People-pleasing is often rooted in self-effacement and a fear of not meeting others' needs.

Impact on relationships: Kindness fosters genuine connection and strengthens relationships based on mutual respect. People-pleasing can lead to strained relationships and resentment as others may take advantage.

Expectations: Kind acts are typically given without expectation of anything in return, but people-pleasing often comes with an expectation of approval or validation.

In essence, while kindness is giving from a full cup, caring authentically, and enjoying the act of helping, people-pleasing is prioritizing others' needs to gain approval, often at the expense of your own well-being and boundaries.

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